I've been wanting to write a blog for a while now, but I just couldn't find the words to say. I wanted to wait until the Lord put something bold on my heart. I really never thought I would talk about grief on a blog post but I feel the Lord pushing me so here it is. 

To be quite honest, these past few months have been hard. From February to March I found myself in a very dark place after losing 5 people in my life. I have been fortunate enough to never experience the death of a close relative or friend until this year, but grief hit me in the face x5. I felt like I couldn't catch my breath.

First I lost my Papou. Then a close family friend, Dr. Patterson. My Dads cousin passed away. Then my Dad's best friend John. I saw these people every week, if not every day. 

I lastly lost a childhood friend, Andrew, in March. We met in 3rd grade. We were bus buddies, Good News Club Co-leads, and sat next to each other in every class we had until sophomore year. We weren't close in the last few years of high school, finding our own friend groups, but he will always be a friend of mine. His death has been the hardest to process. I still don't get it. So many tears were shed over the lack of understanding. I don't get why God called Him home when he did. 

I would be lying if I said I stood firm in my faith through it all. I found myself doubting the Lord's goodness and sovereignty. Was he really good if He was letting me experience deep sorrow? Did He see my tears? Why could I not feel His love and comfort? I was angry. I was depressed. Most of the time I couldn't even find the words to say to God.

Romans 8:26 says, "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 

When I didn't know what to say, the Spirit was speaking for me. In my hurt, sorrow, anger, depression, anxiety, and tiredness, the Lord was listening. No matter what I was feeling He was still there. 

My feelings and circumstances do not dictate the Lord's existence or Sovereignty. I was the one who changed. My feelings changed. The Lord remained constant. He kept his promise.

Im still working through the grief. I cry a lot. I may not be the happiest, but I will remain joyful. I will cling to the hope that the Lord has already overcome this battle. He defeated Death. I will grieve with the Hope that I will see these people one day again because they knew Jesus. 

This season has not gone to waste. The Lord has used the circumstances to push me. Pushed me even more to do the World Race and live in a mission mindset daily. I want others to have the same hope God has given me. I want to know God and make His name known.